soul trash [Ver. 2.0]
i hate
game over
i die and forget
i die and forget and escape
i die n forget n escape n destroy
i jest like a joker
i hunt like a predator
i romp like a monkey
i brood like an emo
i sulk like a doomer
i lust like a fakboi
i whiteknight like a nice guy TM
i protecc like a paladin
i attacc like a barbarian
i rescue like a hero
i scheme like a villain
i lie like a snake-oil salesman
i got smitten like a hopeless bucin
i got cynical like a hard-boiled hardass wannabe
i got indifferent like some random silent reader in some obscure WA group
i troll like a desperate attention whore
i speak like a smartass frog inside a deep dank well
i curl like a soon-to-be-stillborn in the warm embrace of mother’s womb
I
I
I
Me
Me
Me
mix
mixed
mixed bag of cringe and hype and grimdark and wholesome and fail and epic
potpourri of sound and fury and hypocrisy
mixture of garbage and manure
combo of absurd toxic roshambo
mishmash of memes and realtalk
awashed by the tidal rush of feelings
of guilt and giddiness
of pain and pleasure
of melodrama and megalomania
i just can’t understand why you all can’t understand me perfectly
while i perfectly understand why you all just won’t understand me
Me
Me
Me
I
I
I
high
high
high
high stakes
too high stakes
the stakes are too high
time and effort too huge
way way too risky
way way too scary
we all each other refuse to hurt and be hurt
too risky too scary
human, all too human
And today I learned.
#TIL
It’s simply unfair.
To force all of you to understand.
to force all of you to circlejerk with me
To force all of you to cater to my every whim and desire, all against your will as individuals with independent minds and unique hopes and fears.
a control freak, a good friend once said of me me me
And, therefore, I conclude.
That i *do* want to control
everyone and everything around me.
That I do want to bend and to break the rules and get away from the consequences, from the kiss of Nemesis, from cosmic justice, from karma.
ever-greedy ever-hungry ever-thirsty for all sorts of validation from all around me me me
Simply to (over)compensate for my own inadequacy and insecurities and nearing-zero self-esteem and self-worth and self-respect.
All for want of focus, discipline, proper scaling of priorities, and, ultimately, self-control.
Easier said than done.
always easier said than done
All lectures, all pep talks,
all words of self-encouragement.
Words are cheap, after all.
words are fucking cheap
Actions speak louder.
But as long as i breathe.
And my heart beating still.
As long as i can think clearly.
As soon as i get a grip.
As far as i can recall.
As sure as i can tell.
It’s all worth a shot.
live and fail
live and fall
get up try again fall again
And up again and fall and up again.
And walk again, never run.
Walk again, never run.
Never run, walk again.
Worth a shot.
Worth every single shot.
Every.
Single.
FUCKING
Shot.
To live and retry.
To live and start again.
To live and build again.
Reconnect. Reboot. Rebuild.
To live.
And learn.
And love.
